By Dan Thomas
It all starts at home.
“From a mother’s standpoint, having to figure it out by yourself. Now I did it because I’m a tough cookie, but a lot of people fall into depression. You know what I’m saying? It can just tear somebody down. And then what is that child feeling mentally? Like, where’s my dad, or where’s my mom?”
This is a quote from my mother, Deauna Greene — a mother of three and the woman I consider the matriarch of three generations of children. We were conversing about the philosophy of “Nature vs. Nurture” and heterogeneity in parental mental health problems.
It all starts at home
Amongst scholars it is a known fact that negative events in a childhood may be associated with poor mental health throughout their life. One study, titled: “Maternal and paternal depressive symptoms and child maladjustment: the mediating role of parental behavior” conducted a survey of 4,184 parents and 6,048 10- to 15-year-olds. The results showed that both the maternal and paternal figures of these kids self-report symptoms of depression along with their kids at times.
Their findings support the hypothesis that the quality of the child’s environmental upbringing is but one of several mechanisms that carry a risk of depressed children. But, the study also found that interventions for parents who regularly display signs of depression could help mitigate the risk of some childhood developmental disorders.
In retrospect, I realize this was something my mother protected us from as she did her best to mask her own troubled past and the difficulties of raising two boys on her own.
My mom, now 55 years of age, had children when she was young. I was born when she was just 16 years old, and my brother, nine months after me. She did her absolute best to make sure we were well taken care of. Never really had a dull Christmas, except for that one time we slacked on doing chores. While I remember thinking, “How could one be so cruel to deny Christmas?,” all the while, it was a lesson in appreciation.
Growing, we watched Momma cry over mounds of pamphlet-folded letters from bill collectors. “I don’t know how I’m going to do it, but I’m going to have to figure it out,” she would say.
And all of this stress contributed to the reality that my mother had a mental health issue. She refused to see a therapist about it because, you know, “Black people don’t go to therapy” – a point my mother brought up in our recent conversation as something she had believed for most of her life.
Growing up, she would tell us to enjoy being a kid. I never understood what she meant by that. Now I see she didn’t have a chance to be a kid herself. Mom had to look after Uncle DJ when he was three months old, thrust into a parental role at the age of 10 when the family was involved in a car accident that left my grandmother bedridden.
I asked what that was like: “How did you know what to do?”
“I mean, at the age of 10, it was like keeping a baby dog, right? So, I learned from you know, if you’re cognizant and you’re paying attention to what you do, I knew what to do, and I knew what not to do. Like, I knew when he would cry, “OK, he got to eat every four hours,” she said. “So instinct kicks in and allowed me to do the things that needed to be done for him to make sure that he was OK.”
She explained that because her grandmother never sought help, she was seemingly an outcast in our family. She had no one to turn to. No one to talk to. Just kinda alone. Fortunately for Momma, she had people in her life to support her.
“So, in my case, I had a grandmother who was my village, right?” Mom told me. “She would make sure I was cared for, what needed to be done, check on me, make sure I was involved in church and other activities.”
Help is available - but you have to seek it out
I see this support as the turning point in Momma’s social development, such that she ended up finding a therapist.
“Being in therapy helped me realize some things, some triggers for me -- like the way, the manner that people talk to me. Because that's how my mama talked to me my whole life, saying negative things to me. I dealt with that my whole life,” she said.
There are steps we can take as parents to obtain a beneficial role in reinforcing positive mental health traits in our children. “It all starts at home,” my mom said. You can achieve a lot by simply talking to your children and getting to know them as a person.
“There are so many parents who have kids that don’t know their kids - don’t know what they like or what they don’t like, because they must hustle to pay rent,” she told me. “Because nine times out of 10, an inactive father is inactive in every means: financially, physically and emotionally. So, it all falls on that one parent.”
She stressed the importance of a two-parent household while highlighting one of the many difficulties that come with being a single parent.
Dr. Michelle Brenes, a pediatric psychologist at Joe DiMaggio Children’s Hospital, added other advice as well in her 2025 article on the hospital’s website:
"We can use ourselves to model a positive way to manage stress, practicing healthy coping mechanisms such as deep breathing, mindfulness and even taking breaks during overwhelming situations. These actions allow your child to see that stress is but a part of the human experience, and that’s OK. It also allows you to demonstrate positive ways to manage stressful obstacles. Use this time to openly discuss how you overcame them and reinforce the importance of self-care."
My Momma practiced some of this: “How do I know if my child is going through it? 'Talk to me," she would say to us. "'What’s going on'?”
There are sure signs to look out for.
“It’s crucial to be aware of behaviors that may signal anxiety or depression in children such as: Difficulty sleeping, or a change in appetite, rouble focusing or concentrating, irritability, emotional outbursts," wrote Brenes in the post.
It is imperative that you keep an open and constructive dialogue with your child to understand their needs. The importance of open communication goes further than you think.
Brenes continued: “Create a safe environment where your child feels comfortable sharing their feelings without fear of judgement. Validate their emotions.” Remind your child “that what they are feeling is OK, and that you are always ready to help when they are ready.”
Momma would sit us down and let us cry about our problems. When bullying was an issue, she encouraged us to pick ourselves up, reminding us that people are always going to talk smack and not to let that bring us down.
I remember mornings when Momma would blare songs of positive reinforcement before heading to school. Back then, we hated it. It was always too early to be that loud.
Now I see what she was attempting to accomplish.
Now I can’t start my day with some tunes ladened with positive affirmations.
Nevertheless, if there are more serious signs of dysfunction in your child’s mental health, never be afraid to reach out for professional help – for you or your kids!
Finally, I recommend visiting the Joe DiMaggio Children’s Hospital website and its blog for more information and resources. Searching for help can be difficult, because there is a stigma that often dissuades one from seeking help. But lots of support options exist for parents such as therapy, hotlines and access to community groups, as well as providing materials for families, educators and employers.
In addition, technology has given us access to mental health resources through mobile apps such as Headspace, an app that focuses on mindfulness and meditation exercises. Moodpath, which tracks emotional well-being and offers helpful feedback, or Calm, an app focused on helping with relaxation and promoting healthier sleep habits. There are written works that provide insight from medical professionals, such as “The Anxiety and Phobia Workbook” by Edmund J. Bourne, Lost Connections by Johann Hari, or the Journal of Clinical Psychology if you want to get more academic.
Mental health is a journey.
Of course, we know that there isn’t one “fix all” and a healthy mind isn’t something one can obtain overnight. Through communication and the implementation of positive strategies, we as parents set the foundation of our child’s mental health.
It all starts at home.
